Thursday, June 30, 2011

Headline: Friends help murder victim's family.
 
That's what I call adding insult to injury.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Monday, June 27, 2011


Police Blotter: Neighborhood cats vandalized a car. The real problem was the atrocious spelling in their spray-painted tags, especially the "Catz rool. Dogs druel."

Friday, June 24, 2011

With apologies to my lawyer friends...

Just reminded of this joke and I couldn't help sharing. Forgive me, all my buddies in the legal profession:

You're locked in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a lawyer.
You've got a gun with two bullets.
What do you do?

Shoot the lawyer twice.

Headline: Women's Chorus adds Belcher to membership
 
Comment: She really comes in handy when they're singing 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall...

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Headline: Kidnappers sought $290.

Where do we start on the problems with this one?
  1. How would you feel if you were kidnapped and they only asked for $290 for your return? A Discount Kidnapping could really be hard on the ego.
  2. These kidnappers obviously need to raise their standards. Low goals invite underachievement. They should go crazy and try to break $300 for their next attempt.
  3. And the final problem is the question of why I am trying to think of ways that kidnappers could raise their standards...

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

ADS THAT MAKE YOU SAY "HUH?"


However, I must admit ...
I am slightly saddened by the annoyingly sacrificed aardvarks...


Monday, June 20, 2011

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he's supposed to be doing at the moment.  --Robert Benchley


Saturday, June 18, 2011

This woman was listed in the newspaper
as being fined for prostitution.
The actual charge was failure to stop at a railroad crossing.
Terrible, but on the good side, she made $150 before the correction was published.

Friday, June 17, 2011

 












Headline:
Annual cutting of the cheese ceremony is just one of many events at festival.
 
Yeah... You can't tell me that this writer didn't giggle when he wrote this headline...
 

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Police protected intended victim's identity by only releasing Michelle Hudon's initials of M.H.
 
With protection like this, she must feel darn good...

Monday, June 13, 2011


Man, 84, found alive after 5 days in dessert.
However, it took 3 more days just to get the whipped cream out of his hair.

Friday, June 10, 2011



Headline: 2 line headline for DA porn guy goes here. Moral of the story: Never put off until tomorrow what you should do before the paper goes to press today.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Checking the Funny Bone

by Christee Gabour Atwood

Time for a humor checkup. I love doing this every so often by taking a look around at the headlines, advertisements, and signs that make me smile. Especially because they remind me that whatever errors I make today probably won’t be this highly publicized.

Here are some interesting newspaper headlines, followed by my personal insights in italics:

HEADLINE: Stolen Painting Found By Tree
However, this was a highly-trained tree with a valid private investigator’s license.

HEADLINE: Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Well, I guess when all else fails...

HEADLINE:  Missippi's Literacy Program Shows Improvement
With apologies to my friends in "Missippi"...

HEADLINE: 52 Foot Officers to Patrol Violent Neighborhoods
Just a 50 foot officer would be enough to scare me.

HEADLINE: Arsenic in City Water Nothing to Worry About
Right. And don’t pay any attention to that man behind you with the gun either.

HEADLINE: Man Accused of Killing Lawyer Receives a New Attorney
Would you really want to be this new attorney?

HEADLINE: Altoona Choir to be Clothed
And the congregation breathes a collective sigh of relief.

HEADLINE: Students Cook and Serve Grandparents
Wonder what kind of sauce they used?

HEADLINE: Experts Say Death by Firing Squad Isn’t That Bad
And they know this how?

HEADLINE: Utah Poison Control Center Reminds Everyone Not To Take Poison
That was easy, wasn’t it?

HEADLINE: Miracle Cure Kills Fifth Patient
Miracles have really dropped in their miraculous nature, haven’t they?

HEADLINE: Poverty Meeting Attracts Poor Turnout
Wasn’t that the intent?

HEADLINE: One In For Kids Drops Out Of High School
I’m thinking the author of this article was one of those.

HEADLINE: How To Make Communicate More Effectively
That’s almost as bad as failing a Speeling Test.

HEADLINE: Obesity Rubs Off, Study Finds
If only that were true.

HEADLINE: Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Unless they used Gorilla Glue too, I’m not driving over that one.

HEADLINE: Man Executed After Long Speech
I think I was at that convention! In Grandpa's words, "He needed killin"...

HEADLINE: Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
That seems a little drastic to me.

HEADLINE: Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
They hold up the place, but they whine a lot.

And finally, my favorite classified ad ever:

  • Dog, faded brown, three legs, one ear missing, blind left eye, broken tail, recently neutered. Answers to the name Lucky.

Feel better about that little blooper you made this week? Me too.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Lonesome blogger seeks followers with low standards. Please follow my blog, http://www.ElasticWaistbands.blogspot.com, for funny stuff!


And, not for the first time,
Eileen rethought her habit of two martinis at lunch.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Headline: Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
(Funny. I always preferred to use a golf club.)

Sunday, June 5, 2011

This weekend I had the honor of visiting with outstanding students from around the state at the Hugh O'Brian Youth Leadership Program. They were dynamite! And it reminded me of this interesting tidbit about the actor who played the starring role in The Life and Legend of Wyatt Earp.


Actor Hugh O'Brian got married for the first time in June 2006. He was 81, his bride was 54, and the ceremony was held in a cemetery. He said they wanted a wedding "to die for."

Saturday, June 4, 2011


Yessir, just when you think you've seen it all. In Bunkie, Louisiana, I had to stop today and take a picture
(I'm hidden behind the cornstalks)
with the sign that advertises, "Lizard Races. Bring your own."
And you know I'm gonna be there!!

Friday, June 3, 2011

What a week. If it's true that "That which does not kill me makes me stronger", I am now Xena.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011











Little known fact: The sweet potato is the weapon of choice in all the finer establishments.