My new hobby is ventriloquism. Why, you ask? Why would someone take up something that is considered a dying art? You might also ask why I took six years of Latin in school, which is considered a dead language. It’s because I fly in the face of convention. Because I fly in the face of popular opinion. Because I also fly in the face of good taste.
But, for you to really understand, I’ll have to let you listen in on a conversation with my alter ego.
Me: Meet Sophie, my dummy.
Sophie: Who are you calling a dummy?
Me: Sophie, it’s just your designation. One of us has to be the person. The other is the dummy.
Sophie: You picked the wrong one.
Me: Sophie is also my inner critic.
Sophie: There’s a problem with that. Have you looked at the end of your arm?
Sophie: Your ‘inner’ critic is on the outside. More specifically I’m on your arm.
Me: Yeah, I know. But this is a really big thing for me. You see, normally I talk to myself a lot. Now I’m talking to someone else, so I don’t look as crazy.
Sophie: You’re talking to your arm.
Me: No, I’m talking to you.
Sophie: Do I have to repeat that ‘end of your arm’ speech?
Me: But it’s different when there’s somebody on the end of my arm.
Sophie: Somebody? I’m a piece of material, a little vinyl, with a hand up my …
Me: Whoa! This is a family blog. Hey, you know, this ventriloquism thing is a lot easier than I expected.
Sophie: Excuse me, dear… But there’s another problem. Most ventriloquism is done when people can see your lips.
Me: I’m keeping it simple at this point.
Sophie: Simple, yeah, yeah. Why did you really pick this hobby?
Me: Why do you think there’s another reason?
Sophie: The arm knows all.
Me: Okay, you’re right. Actually, it’s all about psychology.
Me: I need therapy. I’m self-employed. Can’t afford a psychiatrist, so I’ll settle for talking to you.
Sophie: Do you know how sad that is?
Me: Of course, I know. But you already know I have a split personality. At least now it’s in a socially acceptable format.
Sophie: Socially acceptable? Do you realize how uncool ventriloquism is? Good grief, woman, don’t you realize that, while cars will at least swerve to miss a mime, they’ll actually aim for ventriloquists?
Me: Whatever you say. Which brings up the other psychological reason for this hobby. I’m not assertive.
Sophie: That I’ll go along with. You’ve got all the backbone of a salted slug.
Me: Thanks for that visual.
Sophie: So, what you mean is that I’m here to say the things you don’t have the nerve to say?
Me: That’s the gist of it.
Sophie: That’s a little pitiful, don’t you think?
Me: Welcome to the craziness of my mind.
Sophie: Actually Christee, I’m happy to be here. It’s the only place I feel at home.
Me: Hey folks, we’ll be here all month. So you’d better move on to another blog. And don’t forget to tip your waitress…