Wrapping Malfunction

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Today's thought

Have you heard the line comedians use to encourage people to come back and see their show again? They say, “I’ll be here all week.” When I did stand-up comedy, my line was, “I’ll be here all week. Better come back next week.”

Why I love being a writer...

Writers never have to admit they’re unemployed as long as they can afford to print business cards that say, “Writer.”

Happy Birthday to Erma Bombeck!

The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.

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One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.

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On skiing: I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of a hill.
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Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
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Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
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People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.
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My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch on fire or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one cares. Why should you?
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I just clipped 2 articles from a current magazine. One is a diet guaranteed to drop 5 pounds off my body in a weekend. The other is a recipe for a 6 minute pecan pie.
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When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me.
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