Writers never have to admit they’re unemployed as long as they can afford to print business cards that say, “Writer.”
Showing posts with label writers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label writers. Show all posts
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Why I love being a writer...
Writers never have to admit they’re unemployed as long as they can afford to print business cards that say, “Writer.”
Friday, September 4, 2009
Cool site for writers!
Just discovered the most incredible site for writers.
It's basically Facebook and/or LinkedIn
specifically designed for writers, editors, and agents.
Check it out!
AgentQuery.com
Add me as your friend!
Saturday, April 25, 2009
What Else???
A few weeks back I had the flu that’s been going around. I was so sick that I actually had to miss a meeting. For me, that’s one of the signs of the apocalypse. I remember driving the porcelain bus thinking, “What else could go wrong?”
I hadn’t completely recovered when a beloved member of my family passed away. Broken-hearted, we walked out of the door to go to the funeral home and the family dog got out. He ran toward the street, where a pitt bull came dashing toward him. “What else…” I tried to yell, but it came out sounding more like another four-letter word.
I ran gallantly toward the dogs to break up the inevitable fight. Unfortunately, in my haste I had gained enough momentum so that I couldn’t stop. I caught a heel on the side of the driveway, started spinning with all the grace of an NFL lineman performing the Nutcracker, and in slow motion found myself plummeting into a ditch. All the while a pair of amused dogs sat amiably side by side, watching.
With a cast on my broken hand I delivered the eulogy. Yes, you’d think this was a “what else” moment, but I already knew what else. I had a book due to my publisher in two days.
Thus, I sat, pecking at keys with my left hand and two fingers on the right poking out of my cast, reaching blazing speeds of up to ten words per minute. My voice recognition software refused to translate my southern English correctly, so I’d “what elsed” it right off my computer.
Then I realized I had a class to teach in the next week and it was on, of all things, “Attitude is Everything.” Very much like having Lizzie Borden teach an anger management course. I was ready to yell a great big obscene “what else” on that one, when the cat jumped on my computer and knocked half my equipment to the floor.
I sat on the floor near my wrecked equipment, ready to cry. Strangely enough I heard myself chuckle instead. Then, as my other cat came to inspect the damage and deposited a hairball for my inspection, I shook my head and laughed. And then, I heard the swoosh of letters dropping through the mail slot on my door. I looked and there was the bill for the x-rays of my hand.
I started laughing hysterically. My eyes leaked. My cats ran away. My mail carrier hurried off my porch. And I sat on the floor and guffawed until my ribs ached.
I grabbed my low-tech pen and paper and started to write my attitude class. Because now it all made sense.
Life is full of lumps. Some are small. Some are incredibly overwhelming. That will never change. The only thing that changes is my response to those lumps. I can sit and start linking them all together to create a depressing lumpy gravy that covers my life, or I can see them as they are – separate events that create a life truly lived. I can think that karma or the higher power is out to get me or I can realize that I am going through the same sorts of experiences that everyone has gone through since the beginning of time.
So my success in life is not wallowing in my “what elses”, but instead celebrating what else I can overcome to create a better me.
I’m ready for that attitude class now.
I hadn’t completely recovered when a beloved member of my family passed away. Broken-hearted, we walked out of the door to go to the funeral home and the family dog got out. He ran toward the street, where a pitt bull came dashing toward him. “What else…” I tried to yell, but it came out sounding more like another four-letter word.
I ran gallantly toward the dogs to break up the inevitable fight. Unfortunately, in my haste I had gained enough momentum so that I couldn’t stop. I caught a heel on the side of the driveway, started spinning with all the grace of an NFL lineman performing the Nutcracker, and in slow motion found myself plummeting into a ditch. All the while a pair of amused dogs sat amiably side by side, watching.
With a cast on my broken hand I delivered the eulogy. Yes, you’d think this was a “what else” moment, but I already knew what else. I had a book due to my publisher in two days.
Thus, I sat, pecking at keys with my left hand and two fingers on the right poking out of my cast, reaching blazing speeds of up to ten words per minute. My voice recognition software refused to translate my southern English correctly, so I’d “what elsed” it right off my computer.
Then I realized I had a class to teach in the next week and it was on, of all things, “Attitude is Everything.” Very much like having Lizzie Borden teach an anger management course. I was ready to yell a great big obscene “what else” on that one, when the cat jumped on my computer and knocked half my equipment to the floor.
I sat on the floor near my wrecked equipment, ready to cry. Strangely enough I heard myself chuckle instead. Then, as my other cat came to inspect the damage and deposited a hairball for my inspection, I shook my head and laughed. And then, I heard the swoosh of letters dropping through the mail slot on my door. I looked and there was the bill for the x-rays of my hand.
I started laughing hysterically. My eyes leaked. My cats ran away. My mail carrier hurried off my porch. And I sat on the floor and guffawed until my ribs ached.
I grabbed my low-tech pen and paper and started to write my attitude class. Because now it all made sense.
Life is full of lumps. Some are small. Some are incredibly overwhelming. That will never change. The only thing that changes is my response to those lumps. I can sit and start linking them all together to create a depressing lumpy gravy that covers my life, or I can see them as they are – separate events that create a life truly lived. I can think that karma or the higher power is out to get me or I can realize that I am going through the same sorts of experiences that everyone has gone through since the beginning of time.
So my success in life is not wallowing in my “what elses”, but instead celebrating what else I can overcome to create a better me.
I’m ready for that attitude class now.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Doing It Again?!
Yes, once again, I am engaging in the insanity of National Novel Writing Month... and I couldn't be more thrilled.
I'll be serving as the Municipal Liaison for the Louisiana-Elsewhere Region and you are cordially invited to join us as we pound out 50,000 words in the month of November. Words... No promise of plot, quality, or even subject-verb connections.
Check it out at NaNoWriMo.org and join us for a month to write a book -- just because...
Christee
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Taking a Humor Inventory
You know how sometimes nothing seems funny? I find that this is the perfect time to slow down, put on a silly hat, and take a humor inventory.
A humor inventory is the process of reminding yourself of the stuff that’s funny to you. Sort of a spelunking mission to rediscover your sense of humor. Here’s how the process works for me.
First, I read the newspaper. No, not the depressing stuff -- mainly the headlines, unusual stories, and ads. I find headlines that make me giggle like these:
A humor inventory is the process of reminding yourself of the stuff that’s funny to you. Sort of a spelunking mission to rediscover your sense of humor. Here’s how the process works for me.
First, I read the newspaper. No, not the depressing stuff -- mainly the headlines, unusual stories, and ads. I find headlines that make me giggle like these:
- Blizzard Hits Four States. One is Missing.
- Lawyer to Offer Poor Free Advice
- Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
- Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
- Squad helps dog bite victim
- Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter
- Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
Newspaper advertising has its own brand of humor:
- Classified ad: Dog, faded brown, three legs, one ear missing, blind left eye, broken tail, recently neutered. Answers to the name Lucky.
- For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
- Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
- Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
- We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
- Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
- Dog for sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.
- Stock up and save. Limit: one.
- Man, honest. Will take anything.
- Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
- A used car lot advertised: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
- Illiterate? Write today for free help.
- And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
I often enjoy the acerbic humor of bumper stickers. It’s the mailboxes I take out while reading them that I don’t enjoy:
- As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
- I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is getting better.
- My Hockey Mom can beat up your Soccer Mom
- If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
- Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done.
- Jesus is coming. Everybody look busy.
I also find examples of humor in unexpected places. Like statements taken from medical reports:
- By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart rate had stopped and he was feeling better.
- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
- On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
- The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
- Discharge status: Alive, but without permission.
- The patient has no past history of suicides.
And so, these are the sorts of things that jumpstart my sense of humor. Well, these and a cheap box of wine. But these have fewer calories.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
How to Write a Column
I write newspaper and magazine columns, so today I thought I'd give you a simple overview of the process of writing a column, just in case you aspire to be a part of this exciting and unintentionally nonprofit occupation.
First you sit at your beloved keyboard. It is, of course, best if this keyboard is actually attached to something – a computer, a typewriter, a calculator – although that last one tends to make the column a little confusing.
You stare at the blank screen. At this point, your pets will wander into the room to see what the stiff-looking person is doing. Within minutes, you have an animal shedding on your lap, insisting on being fed, or trying to mark you as his territory.
Once you have fed them and employed a lint brush, you are back at that nice keyboard. Now you’ve actually realized that you need a subject. You begin to think.
Thinking is tiring business, so you head to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. On the way back to your keyboard you realize that the mail has arrived. The next twenty minutes is spent looking through the sales flyers and your bills. Your bills encourage you to ignore the sales flyers. You leave all of these to review later.
Look at that. Your coffee must have evaporated, because every bit of it is gone. You head back to the kitchen.
At this point you realize that your kitchen is a mess, so you take the time to hide the dirty dishes in the dishwasher. Now it looks so nice it invites you to make a small snack for yourself. After this three course meal you’re back on your way to write.
Uh oh. A dust bunny is on the loose. You consider vacuuming. Laughing very hard, you continue back to that waiting keyboard.
Your pets are back. One is doing figure eights around your chair. The other is doing his Snoopy imitation, pretending to be a vulture on the back of your chair. After that drop-kicking exercise that always encourages them to find other entertainment, you are back at that darn keyboard.
Outside, you hear kids drag racing down your street. You walk out and stand in your yard, glaring at them as they pass. This does no good whatsoever, but you feel vindicated and turn to go back into the house.
Aha! There is a patch of weeds threatening to choke your rose bush. You feverishly tear the weeds up, talk to the plant, which seems to wilt a little from the garlic in your earlier snack, and finally return to the house.
As you wash your hands, you notice in the mirror that you look terrible. The next half hour is spent trying to “fix your face”, a term which means adding spackle to hide the signs of wisdom.
And now you are back at that damn keyboard.
You’re no closer to coming up with a subject than before. You think for three minutes, then realize that it’s starting to get dark. Time for supper.
After supper, you’re back at that $%^&*# keyboard, ready to write your column. Seeing that it’s now primetime on television, you realize it’s much too late to start writing a column today. Tomorrow you’ll have to get an earlier start.
And that’s all there is to it.
First you sit at your beloved keyboard. It is, of course, best if this keyboard is actually attached to something – a computer, a typewriter, a calculator – although that last one tends to make the column a little confusing.
You stare at the blank screen. At this point, your pets will wander into the room to see what the stiff-looking person is doing. Within minutes, you have an animal shedding on your lap, insisting on being fed, or trying to mark you as his territory.
Once you have fed them and employed a lint brush, you are back at that nice keyboard. Now you’ve actually realized that you need a subject. You begin to think.
Thinking is tiring business, so you head to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. On the way back to your keyboard you realize that the mail has arrived. The next twenty minutes is spent looking through the sales flyers and your bills. Your bills encourage you to ignore the sales flyers. You leave all of these to review later.
Look at that. Your coffee must have evaporated, because every bit of it is gone. You head back to the kitchen.
At this point you realize that your kitchen is a mess, so you take the time to hide the dirty dishes in the dishwasher. Now it looks so nice it invites you to make a small snack for yourself. After this three course meal you’re back on your way to write.
Uh oh. A dust bunny is on the loose. You consider vacuuming. Laughing very hard, you continue back to that waiting keyboard.
Your pets are back. One is doing figure eights around your chair. The other is doing his Snoopy imitation, pretending to be a vulture on the back of your chair. After that drop-kicking exercise that always encourages them to find other entertainment, you are back at that darn keyboard.
Outside, you hear kids drag racing down your street. You walk out and stand in your yard, glaring at them as they pass. This does no good whatsoever, but you feel vindicated and turn to go back into the house.
Aha! There is a patch of weeds threatening to choke your rose bush. You feverishly tear the weeds up, talk to the plant, which seems to wilt a little from the garlic in your earlier snack, and finally return to the house.
As you wash your hands, you notice in the mirror that you look terrible. The next half hour is spent trying to “fix your face”, a term which means adding spackle to hide the signs of wisdom.
And now you are back at that damn keyboard.
You’re no closer to coming up with a subject than before. You think for three minutes, then realize that it’s starting to get dark. Time for supper.
After supper, you’re back at that $%^&*# keyboard, ready to write your column. Seeing that it’s now primetime on television, you realize it’s much too late to start writing a column today. Tomorrow you’ll have to get an earlier start.
And that’s all there is to it.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
The book tour continues!
Join me for another week on the virtual book tour,
kicking off on Monday, November 12th at
We'll talk about the joys of writing, elastic waistbands,
book promotion, and National Novel Writing Month.
And somewhere in between all of that,
I might accidentally say something interesting
and you certainly don't want to miss
that rare event!!
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Join Me This Friday, November 9, 2007
Join me this Friday, November 9th,
as I continue humiliating myself publicly
on my virtual book tour.
Friday I'll be visiting
Come by and visit with us!
- We'll be talking about my secret to writing a great novel (which is basically to look at what I do and do the opposite).
- We'll discuss the way to become an overnight success (in only 48 years).
- We'll talk about an activity that over 70 thousands writers worldwide are doing this month ... besides starving, begging for spare change, and surfing the internet instead of typing.
- We'll discover how writing can replace your psychiatrist.
- And we'll talk about how to use a full body chicken suit to achieve fame and a restraining order.
Intrigued? Great! We'll see you Friday on the blog tour!
Christee
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Tuesday Nov 6 Virtual Book Tour Site
Today, Tuesday Nov 6, I am graciously being hosted by the site
on my Virtual Book Tour.
It's a chance for you to discover the background of my book, hear some of my pitiful insights into the publishing world and how I became an Overnight Success in only 48 years, and to talk about how to survive on 45 cents and 3 box tops a day...
Come by, take off your shoes, sit for a while ... wait, what is that smell?
Okay, put your shoes back on... But sit for a while. Leave a comment too!
Christee
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