Thursday, June 9, 2011

Checking the Funny Bone

by Christee Gabour Atwood

Time for a humor checkup. I love doing this every so often by taking a look around at the headlines, advertisements, and signs that make me smile. Especially because they remind me that whatever errors I make today probably won’t be this highly publicized.

Here are some interesting newspaper headlines, followed by my personal insights in italics:

HEADLINE: Stolen Painting Found By Tree
However, this was a highly-trained tree with a valid private investigator’s license.

HEADLINE: Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Well, I guess when all else fails...

HEADLINE:  Missippi's Literacy Program Shows Improvement
With apologies to my friends in "Missippi"...

HEADLINE: 52 Foot Officers to Patrol Violent Neighborhoods
Just a 50 foot officer would be enough to scare me.

HEADLINE: Arsenic in City Water Nothing to Worry About
Right. And don’t pay any attention to that man behind you with the gun either.

HEADLINE: Man Accused of Killing Lawyer Receives a New Attorney
Would you really want to be this new attorney?

HEADLINE: Altoona Choir to be Clothed
And the congregation breathes a collective sigh of relief.

HEADLINE: Students Cook and Serve Grandparents
Wonder what kind of sauce they used?

HEADLINE: Experts Say Death by Firing Squad Isn’t That Bad
And they know this how?

HEADLINE: Utah Poison Control Center Reminds Everyone Not To Take Poison
That was easy, wasn’t it?

HEADLINE: Miracle Cure Kills Fifth Patient
Miracles have really dropped in their miraculous nature, haven’t they?

HEADLINE: Poverty Meeting Attracts Poor Turnout
Wasn’t that the intent?

HEADLINE: One In For Kids Drops Out Of High School
I’m thinking the author of this article was one of those.

HEADLINE: How To Make Communicate More Effectively
That’s almost as bad as failing a Speeling Test.

HEADLINE: Obesity Rubs Off, Study Finds
If only that were true.

HEADLINE: Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Unless they used Gorilla Glue too, I’m not driving over that one.

HEADLINE: Man Executed After Long Speech
I think I was at that convention! In Grandpa's words, "He needed killin"...

HEADLINE: Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
That seems a little drastic to me.

HEADLINE: Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
They hold up the place, but they whine a lot.

And finally, my favorite classified ad ever:

  • Dog, faded brown, three legs, one ear missing, blind left eye, broken tail, recently neutered. Answers to the name Lucky.

Feel better about that little blooper you made this week? Me too.

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