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Checking the Funny Bone

by Christee Gabour Atwood

Time for a humor checkup. I love doing this every so often by taking a look around at the headlines, advertisements, and signs that make me smile. Especially because they remind me that whatever errors I make today probably won’t be this highly publicized.

Here are some interesting newspaper headlines, followed by my personal insights in italics:

HEADLINE: Stolen Painting Found By Tree
However, this was a highly-trained tree with a valid private investigator’s license.

HEADLINE: Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Well, I guess when all else fails...

HEADLINE:  Missippi's Literacy Program Shows Improvement
With apologies to my friends in "Missippi"...

HEADLINE: 52 Foot Officers to Patrol Violent Neighborhoods
Just a 50 foot officer would be enough to scare me.

HEADLINE: Arsenic in City Water Nothing to Worry About
Right. And don’t pay any attention to that man behind you with the gun either.

HEADLINE: Man Accused of Killing Lawyer Receives a New Attorney
Would you really want to be this new attorney?

HEADLINE: Altoona Choir to be Clothed
And the congregation breathes a collective sigh of relief.

HEADLINE: Students Cook and Serve Grandparents
Wonder what kind of sauce they used?

HEADLINE: Experts Say Death by Firing Squad Isn’t That Bad
And they know this how?

HEADLINE: Utah Poison Control Center Reminds Everyone Not To Take Poison
That was easy, wasn’t it?

HEADLINE: Miracle Cure Kills Fifth Patient
Miracles have really dropped in their miraculous nature, haven’t they?

HEADLINE: Poverty Meeting Attracts Poor Turnout
Wasn’t that the intent?

HEADLINE: One In For Kids Drops Out Of High School
I’m thinking the author of this article was one of those.

HEADLINE: How To Make Communicate More Effectively
That’s almost as bad as failing a Speeling Test.

HEADLINE: Obesity Rubs Off, Study Finds
If only that were true.

HEADLINE: Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Unless they used Gorilla Glue too, I’m not driving over that one.

HEADLINE: Man Executed After Long Speech
I think I was at that convention! In Grandpa's words, "He needed killin"...

HEADLINE: Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
That seems a little drastic to me.

HEADLINE: Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
They hold up the place, but they whine a lot.

And finally, my favorite classified ad ever:

• Dog, faded brown, three legs, one ear missing, blind left eye, broken tail, recently neutered. Answers to the name Lucky.

Feel better about that little blooper you made this week? Me too.

Politics and laughter!

This is the funniest political ad ever made!! And that deep-voiced announcer is my husband!! Check it out!

Today's thought

Have you heard the line comedians use to encourage people to come back and see their show again? They say, “I’ll be here all week.” When I did stand-up comedy, my line was, “I’ll be here all week. Better come back next week.”

Elastic Thoughts

Inside me there is a skinny person  crying to get out.
 
Thank goodness a couple of cookies usually shuts her up.

(Adapted from somebody's saying that I found on a note pad)

Why I love being a writer...

Writers never have to admit they’re unemployed as long as they can afford to print business cards that say, “Writer.”

Happy Birthday to Erma Bombeck!

The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.

***
One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.

***

On skiing: I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of a hill.
***
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
***
Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
***
People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.
***
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch on fire or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one cares. Why should you?
***
I just clipped 2 articles from a current magazine. One is a diet guaranteed to drop 5 pounds off my body in a weekend. The other is a recipe for a 6 minute pecan pie.
***
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me.
***

What Else???

A few weeks back I had the flu that’s been going around. I was so sick that I actually had to miss a meeting. For me, that’s one of the signs of the apocalypse. I remember driving the porcelain bus thinking, “What else could go wrong?”

I hadn’t completely recovered when a beloved member of my family passed away. Broken-hearted, we walked out of the door to go to the funeral home and the family dog got out. He ran toward the street, where a pitt bull came dashing toward him. “What else…” I tried to yell, but it came out sounding more like another four-letter word.

I ran gallantly toward the dogs to break up the inevitable fight. Unfortunately, in my haste I had gained enough momentum so that I couldn’t stop. I caught a heel on the side of the driveway, started spinning with all the grace of an NFL lineman performing the Nutcracker, and in slow motion found myself plummeting into a ditch. All the while a pair of amused dogs sat amiably side by side, watching.

With a cast on my broken hand I delivered the eulogy. Yes, you’d think this was a “what else” moment, but I already knew what else. I had a book due to my publisher in two days.

Thus, I sat, pecking at keys with my left hand and two fingers on the right poking out of my cast, reaching blazing speeds of up to ten words per minute. My voice recognition software refused to translate my southern English correctly, so I’d “what elsed” it right off my computer.

Then I realized I had a class to teach in the next week and it was on, of all things, “Attitude is Everything.” Very much like having Lizzie Borden teach an anger management course. I was ready to yell a great big obscene “what else” on that one, when the cat jumped on my computer and knocked half my equipment to the floor.

I sat on the floor near my wrecked equipment, ready to cry. Strangely enough I heard myself chuckle instead. Then, as my other cat came to inspect the damage and deposited a hairball for my inspection, I shook my head and laughed. And then, I heard the swoosh of letters dropping through the mail slot on my door. I looked and there was the bill for the x-rays of my hand.

I started laughing hysterically. My eyes leaked. My cats ran away. My mail carrier hurried off my porch. And I sat on the floor and guffawed until my ribs ached.

I grabbed my low-tech pen and paper and started to write my attitude class. Because now it all made sense.

Life is full of lumps. Some are small. Some are incredibly overwhelming. That will never change. The only thing that changes is my response to those lumps. I can sit and start linking them all together to create a depressing lumpy gravy that covers my life, or I can see them as they are – separate events that create a life truly lived. I can think that karma or the higher power is out to get me or I can realize that I am going through the same sorts of experiences that everyone has gone through since the beginning of time.

So my success in life is not wallowing in my “what elses”, but instead celebrating what else I can overcome to create a better me.

I’m ready for that attitude class now.

Upcoming Event

In case you'd like to visit and are in the Baton Rouge area -- check out my presentation that I'll be doing for the Baton Rouge chapter of ASTD on December 11, 2008. It's called "But UnSeriously Folks!"



http://chapters.astd.org/SiteDirectory/NewOrleans/Pages/Events/Chapter%20Events/EventDescriptions.aspx?Event=12&recur=&ParentUrl=/Pages/Events/RegionalCalendar.aspx&ID=http://chapters.astd.org/SiteDirectory/BatonRouge

Taking a Humor Inventory

You know how sometimes nothing seems funny? I find that this is the perfect time to slow down, put on a silly hat, and take a humor inventory.

A humor inventory is the process of reminding yourself of the stuff that’s funny to you. Sort of a spelunking mission to rediscover your sense of humor. Here’s how the process works for me.

First, I read the newspaper. No, not the depressing stuff -- mainly the headlines, unusual stories, and ads. I find headlines that make me giggle like these:

• Blizzard Hits Four States. One is Missing.
• Lawyer to Offer Poor Free Advice
• Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
• Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
• Squad helps dog bite victim
• Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter
• Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
  
  

Newspaper advertising has its own brand of humor:

• Classified ad: Dog, faded brown, three legs, one ear missing, blind left eye, broken tail, recently neutered. Answers to the name Lucky.
• For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
• Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
• Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
• We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
• Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
• Dog for sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.
• Stock up and save. Limit: one.
• Man, honest. Will take anything.
• Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
• A used car lot advertised: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
• Illiterate? Write today for free help.
• And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
  
  

I often enjoy the acerbic humor of bumper stickers. It’s the mailboxes I take out while reading them that I don’t enjoy:

• As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
• I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is getting better.
• My Hockey Mom can beat up your Soccer Mom
• If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
• Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done.
• Jesus is coming. Everybody look busy.
  
  

I also find examples of humor in unexpected places. Like statements taken from medical reports:

• By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart rate had stopped and he was feeling better.
• Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
• On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
• The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
• Discharge status: Alive, but without permission.
• The patient has no past history of suicides.
  
  

And so, these are the sorts of things that jumpstart my sense of humor. Well, these and a cheap box of wine. But these have fewer calories.

I'm married to Santa Claus??

Under the heading of "How do I get myself into these these things?", I am going to be Mrs. Claus at the Mall of Cortana in Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

Don't ask me how this happened. I remember vaguely there was a mention of free chocolate chip cookies and after that some other part of my brain took over.

So, tomorrow, November 17th, I'll be in the Cortana Christmas Parade, and a couple of Saturdays in December I'll be doing story time with kids in the mall. If you're in the area, please feel free to come point and laugh.

Mrs. Christee Claus

I love this woman's blog!

Be sure to visit Ginger Simpsons's blog

http://mizging.blogspot.com/

and check out my interview today.

I just love this woman. The more I read about her on her blog, the more I think "separated at birth". This, of course, could be construed as an insult by Ginger, who is probably a very normal person...

Stop by, say hi, and get a laugh or two for the day...

Come visit!

The virtual book tour continues!

Today I'm visiting http://elenadorothybowmansbooks.blogspot.com/

In today's talk, we discuss really deep things about like:

• The time when a college boy I thought was flirting with me called me ma'am. I was so heartbroken. I thought I was going to be “Mrs. Robinson” in The Graduate. Instead I was Mrs. Kravitz in Bewitched.


• Ideas of how a person with the attention span of an over-caffeinated gnat can keep from getting distracted long enough to write a book.

• The ABCs of communication skills. Beats me how something useful actually sneaked into the interview.
  

Drop by and let's visit!

Christee & her pet rubber chicken, Elvis

Join Me This Friday, November 9, 2007

Join me this Friday, November 9th,

as I continue humiliating myself publicly

on my virtual book tour.

Friday I'll be visiting

http://detailwithnikkileigh.blogspot.com/

Come by and visit with us!

• We'll be talking about my secret to writing a great novel (which is basically to look at what I do and do the opposite).
• We'll discuss the way to become an overnight success (in only 48 years).
• We'll talk about an activity that over 70 thousands writers worldwide are doing this month ... besides starving, begging for spare change, and surfing the internet instead of typing.
• We'll discover how writing can replace your psychiatrist.
• And we'll talk about how to use a full body chicken suit to achieve fame and a restraining order.

Intrigued? Great! We'll see you Friday on the blog tour!

Christee

Tuesday Nov 6 Virtual Book Tour Site

Today, Tuesday Nov 6, I am graciously being hosted by the site

http://blog.myspace.com/wigglewot

on my Virtual Book Tour.

It's a chance for you to discover the background of my book, hear some of my pitiful insights into the publishing world and how I became an Overnight Success in only 48 years, and to talk about how to survive on 45 cents and 3 box tops a day...

Come by, take off your shoes, sit for a while ... wait, what is that smell?

Okay, put your shoes back on... But sit for a while. Leave a comment too!

Christee

Virtual Book Tour

Hope you'll join me for my virtual book tour in November!

I'll be talking about:

• My book, THREE FEET UNDER: Journal of a Midlife Crisis
• National Novel Writing Month
• Becoming an overnight success ... in only 48 years
• An author's life ... or How to live on $4 a day
• Why cheesecake can be a good substitute for Prozac
• Promotional ideas for writers ... or 101 uses for a chicken suit
• How to use your exercise bike ... as a coat rack
• Finding the humor in everyday life ... or 102 uses for a rubber chicken
• & anything else we can think of!!

I'll be visiting the following great websites:

• Thursday Nov 1
  http://inspiredauthor.com/v3/current-events-and-your-book-promotion-0
• Friday Nov 2
  http://www.judgebookbycover.blogspot.com/
• Tuesday Nov 6
  http://blog.myspace.com/wigglewot
• Wednesday Nov 7
  http://www.startatbeginning.blogspot.com/
• Friday Nov 9
  http://detailwithnikkileigh.blogspot.com/
• Monday Nov 12
  http://memawriter.gather.com
• Tuesday Nov 13
  http://elenadorothybowmansbooks.blogspot.com/
• Wednesday Nov 14
• http://mizging.blogspot.com/
• Thursday Nov 15
  http://www.inspiredauthor.com/v3/author-promotional-interviews
• Monday Nov 19
  http://marjo-mumswritings.blogspot.com/
• Tuesday Nov 20
  http: http://elasticwaistbands.blogspot.com/
• Wednesday Nov 21
  http://yvonneperry.blogspot.com
• Monday Nov 26
  http://pamelakkinney.blogspot.com/
• Wednesday Nov 28
  http://thebookconnectionccm.blogspot.com/
• Thursday Nov 29
• http://shaunaroberts.blogspot.com/
• Friday Nov 30
• http://circleoffriendsbooks.blogspot.com

Join me for some laughs ... Ask some questions ... Make some comments ...

Hope to see you there!

Christee & her pet rubber chicken, Elvis

Virtual Book Tour

In November I'll be on a virtual book tour, visiting blogs and talking about Elastic Waistbands, getting published, being an overnight success in only 48 years, and how to entertain people in the unemployment line!

If you'd like me to visit your blog for interviews and question & answer sessions, please post here and we'll schedule a visit!

And remember, if God had intended for us to stay one size, he wouldn't have invented elastic...