Does this sign make me sound crotchety?

Good. That's what I was going for...

I really appreciate a school with a sense of humor.
I appreciate even more that school starts earlier in my neck of the woods. Being a middle-aged woman, I just want my malls back...

So, it's March 15 and he calls the police to report that his outdoor Christmas decorations were smashed.
 
What's wrong with this picture?

Monday = Lowered Expectations.
Today I will try not to go to the Bahamas in my mind when people are talking to me.

Headline: Kidnappers sought $290.

Where do we start on the problems with this one?

1. How would you feel if you were kidnapped and they only asked for $290 for your return? A Discount Kidnapping could really be hard on the ego.
2. These kidnappers obviously need to raise their standards. Low goals invite underachievement. They should go crazy and try to break $300 for their next attempt.
3. And the final problem is the question of why I am trying to think of ways that kidnappers could raise their standards...